Reverend Tawana Davis
#afacetodomesticviolence
The Preached Word ~ “NO MORE”
Shorter Community AME Church
Domestic Violence Awareness Sunday
October 25, 2015
Introduction
(Circa 2008) It’s Sunday morning, time to prepare for church. I don’t
particularly feel like going. I was up
late due to a late night emotional battle with my husband who suffers from
bi-polar disorder. We have good days but
more bad days and last night was rough.
I put on my Sunday best; all black is the attire as a licensed preacher
on first Sunday. I feel as dark as the
color I have on. But I must be in place
by 10:45 to march in with the Stewards to sit in my rightful place. I drive to church with tears in my eyes
trying to “release” before I walk through the doors of the church. I feel like I weigh 300 pounds due to the
layers of garments (issues, stress, hurt, pain… drama) draped on me, my vision
is blurred due to the well of tears, my mind is clouded with the replay of my
husband’s tirade, my ears are on mute because all I hear is yelling and
screaming, and as Thurman says I have the smell of life heavy on me. I walk into the church, paste on the smile
making sure the one dimple is showing, and begin to serve…. Church is over and
as I bid peace and blessings to fellow congregants. I now have 500 pounds of
garments draped on me and the status all of my other senses have not
changed. And now I have to go home and
deal with my husband who may or may not be in a good mood.
Domestic
Violence
According to PADV ~ Partnership Against Domestic Violence
“Abuse is a pattern of hurtful and abusive behaviors used by one partner to
systematically control and have power over another intimate partner. It is
important to know that you do not deserve to be abused, nor are you responsible
for the abuse.” (PADV.org) According to Nomore.org “Domestic Violence is a
pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person
through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence.”
(Nomore.org)
Hate is taught ~ violence is taught ~ abuse is taught:
intentionally, unintentionally, consciously, subconsciously, unconsciously ~
these ills are taught on a national level, local level, personal level, and
intimate level.
And when one is submerged in the same type of thinking it
becomes an ideology that manifests as a norm and even the victim begins to
think this is ok.
Domestic violence was born out of this pandemic of
violence. From 1619 to today, power has taught privileged human beings to seek,
kill, and destroy in order to retain this false sense of power. We have been dehumanized, deculturalized,
demoralized, and desexualized through emasculation of our people by way of
power. And as we heard in the earlier
definitions, domestic violence is about power and control.
Nationally, we are fighting for justice for Corey Jones,
a 31 year old Black man in FL waiting on the side of the road for a tow truck and
was gunned down by a plain clothes police officer riding in an unmarked
car. Corey Jones was a friend of my
friend and seminary classmate Clarence ~ he wasn’t playing with a toy gun, he
didn’t have on a hoodie, he wasn’t mentally challenged, he didn’t “charge” at
the police, he didn’t challenge authority… Power, you are running out of
excuses ~ you will soon have to admit that Corey Jones was killed because he
was a Black man and power is taught to seek, kill and destroy instead of
protect and serve soley based on the color of our skin!
It
is this Power that glorifies a NFL player punching his
then fiancée, knocking her unconscious, and then demonizing her for living out
the real and true cycle of domestic violence. Power that causes men to live with internalized shame because Black
men and men of color are already emasculated by society ~ then to add domestic
violence on top of it is downright shameful and embarrassing. Because men are
supposed to be able to stop a bullet, or a knife wielding partner, or can
withstand psychological abuse and can’t possibly be victims of domestic
violence. Power that says one must
have power while the other do not. Power that beats someone into
submission. Power that abuses over
and over and over again until one believes this is the norm. Power that
has become an ideology of hate, degradation, and humiliation.
The
next time you’re in a room with 6 people, think about this:
- 1 in 3 women and
1 in 4 men experience violence from their partners in their lifetimes.
- 1 in 3 teens
experience sexual or physical abuse or threats from a boyfriend or
girlfriend in one year.
- 1 in 5 women are
survivors of rape. (and yes there is a such thing as marital rape)
- 1 in 2 women and
1 in 5 men have experienced some form of sexual violence in their lives.
- 1 in 4 women and
1 in 6 men were sexually abused before the age of 18.
Some warning signs
include:
·
Checking
cell phones, emails or social networks without permission
- Extreme jealousy
or insecurity
- Constant
belittling or put-downs
- Explosive temper
- Isolation from
family and friends
- Making false
accusations
- Erratic mood
swings
- Physically
inflicting pain or hurt in any way
- Possessiveness
- Telling someone
what to do
- Repeatedly
pressuring someone to have sex ***
Our silence, church, is hurting and at times killing our
sisters and brothers. The guilt and shame is eating us alive ~ destroying our
minds, bodies, and souls. The challenge with this epidemic is the internalized
shame and the external ignorance and judgment that comes along with it. You
cannot identify a victim just by the way she/he looks. You cannot say she/he is
too smart, strong, beautiful, and handsome… to be a victim. You cannot say
she/he cannot be a victim because I never saw a black eye or bruises. Oh she/he
seems to love their partner so much ~ she/he always calls, is always around,
always right there… they cannot be in a domestic violence relationship.***
SHAME ~ To cover literally or figuratively. It is a state
of mind/being which may result in embarrassment, disgrace, and/or humiliation.
Internalized shame is when you become the aforementioned: I am a disgrace ~ I
am shame ~ I am embarrassed... Domestic Violence victims are stuck in this
toxic web of internalized shame resulting from life experiences coupled with
their abusive situation. Some are so stuck they don't realize the situation
they are in is toxic, unhealthy, and dangerous. Mental, physical, emotional,
financial, spiritual forms of abuse (overt or covert) are toxic. Talking about
DV helps to reduce (and prayerfully obliterate) the shame, enlighten the
victim, and provide the tools needed for deliverance in one way, shape, and/or
form. Let us uncover DV and expose it for what it really is ~ too many of us of
suffering in silence; at home, work, church... We must talk about it!
My
story
Moving from victim to survivor is difficult. On average,
it takes a victim seven times to leave before staying away for good. Exiting the
relationship is a most unsafe time for a victim. As the abuser senses that
they’re losing power, they will often act in dangerous ways to regain control
over their victim. And once you have
safely become a survivor, one must learn to deal with the physical, mental,
social, spiritual, and residual memories:
When I see the scar on my hand
When I walk down the stairs (I envision him waiting in the cut like he used to)
When I see someone with his body type
When a strange number calls my phone
When I see a 678 number
When I am going home alone I continue to remain alert and watch my surroundings
I don't answer blocked calls
The list could go on and on...
When I see the scar on my hand
When I walk down the stairs (I envision him waiting in the cut like he used to)
When I see someone with his body type
When a strange number calls my phone
When I see a 678 number
When I am going home alone I continue to remain alert and watch my surroundings
I don't answer blocked calls
The list could go on and on...
One of the biggest challenges is preaching on this
particular Sunday. Being transparent and
vulnerable in front of hundreds of people is not an easy assignment. It becomes further complicated because one
has to truly rely on G-d to speak to the masses including the perpetrator or
abuser as well as the victim and survivor.
Without judgement, it is through our stories we raise consciousness and
awareness by exposing the truth which prayerfully will lead to healing,
deliverance, and transformation.
Many of you know I am a survivor of domestic violence.
But, growing up, I have never witnessed domestic violence. Not from my parents, grandparents, immediate
family members. I saw violent acts in my
family and my community but nothing labeled as domestic violence. There were no patterns of abuse for control
and power. So when I was in a domestic
violent marriage, contrary to popular belief, I did not know I was in one. I
made excuses for my then husband. I
didn’t know. I blamed it on the drugs, his bi-polar disorder, questioned whether
he was on or off his meds ~ I blamed stress after my miscarriage (just to name
a few excuses.) I wanted to change him, help him, and heal him. I loved him and he was my husband. I turned
to the scriptures for help. I read the scriptures that said a woman is bound to
her husband as long as she lives (I said oh no, I’ve got to fix this ~ I can’t
live in this hell forever.) ~ Then, I read another scripture that actually says
G-d hates divorce ~ what was I to do? I love G-d and didn’t want to disappoint
G-d. I didn’t know about cycles of abuse: tension building, the incident,
reconciliation or forgiveness, calm ~ Only to return to tension building, the
incident, reconciliation or forgiveness, calm ~ only to return…
I did not know about domestic violence and the cycles
until I was sitting in my Pastoral Care class in seminary. My professor Rev. Dr. Carolyn McCrary invited
a guest to speak with us about domestic violence, the awareness and the
pastoral care thereof. I sat, listened,
visualized me in the midst of his teaching, and realized I am a victim of
domestic violence. I cried right there
in the middle of class. My class rallied
around me, prayed for and with me while my then husband was waiting for me in the
apartment.
From that point on, in summary, it was a yearlong
struggle with court dates ~ being escorted everywhere I went because he was
always lurking in some dark corner waiting for me to be alone ~ he moved right
across the street from campus ~ I had to move off campus and hide my car ~ I
had the security guards, stewards and trustees keep a picture of him in the
event he followed me to church ~ missed my daughter’s baby shower in NY because
he sent a message that he was back in NY and would be waiting for me. I finally pressed charges and it was time to
appear in court. My mother in ministry Rev. Carolyn Habersham was with me. As I was sitting in front of the judge, I was
facing her on her right and my abuser was on across from me on her left. The judge gave specific instructions: do not
talk to each other ~ address your comments and concerns to me. What does he do,
he talks to me the entire time. He is in his orange jumpsuit with handcuffs and
shackles, looking at me and talking to me. The judge does nothing. The court
officer does nothing. As a matter of
fact, I was further victimized the entire time.
Fast forward, he went to jail for terroristic threats and harassment and
was sentenced to one year in jail after threatening to kill me and bury me next
to my father among other things.
Domestic violence is not about the weak against the
strong. It is one sided power and
control. And the more strength or power
the “other side” exhibits, the more volatile the abuser, perpetrator, agitator,
power-hungry becomes. I attended a domestic violence support group every
Wednesday for a year. This was a part of the process of healing. Rev. Dr.
Teresa Fry Brown says trust the process ~ not only did I have to trust the
process I had to trust G-d in the process.
Speaking of G-d ~ where is G-d in all of this?
G-d
This seems to be one of those valid questions especially
when you are at wit’s end. All up in
your flesh. Trying to rationalize the irrational ~ make sense of the nonsense. Listening
to other condemning, demeaning, judgmental voices in one’s head instead of
listening to G-d’s voice, feeling G-d’s presence.
I found myself believing the answer to this question
comes to life through G-d’s promises and my actions. Both happening simultaneously ~ inextricably
bound together ~ one cannot manifest exclusively without the other. For 1 John 4:4 states “Greater is G-d who is
in me than you who are in the world.”
Learning to see G-d in the midst of***
Deuteronomy 31:6b ~ I will never leave you nor forsake
you***
Matthew 28:20 ~ I am with you always to the end of the
age***
In Genesis G-d says, and I paraphrase ~ I created you to
be stewards over my creation ~ to make loving, communal, compassionate, firm,
rooted decisions. I was not concerned
about the manifestation of evil because Good existed before evil and the stream
rises no higher than its source (Anna
Julia Cooper) ~ so I knew that my creation would choose Good over
evil. And even when they didn’t, I the Lord Your G-d can turn evil into good,
tragedy into triumph, mess into miracles, despair into hope, hate into Love…
(Genesis 1:27) I made you in my image and likeness. I did not create puppets ~ (Psalm 139:14) I
created fearfully and wonderfully made human beings with the power of choice
and some unfortunately chose evil!
Some chose to hurt with their fists ~ Others with their
words ~ some hurt using the very words in the sacred text ~ some exploit and
abuse the very emotions G-d created ~ others use the blessings of finances,
home, family, and security to be the very thing to keep you fearful and in
bondage.
G-d created the very systems that should bring justice
for all ~ to protect you and keep you ~ Yet, the world has infiltrated G-d’s creation,
my teachings, and uses them to perpetrate hurt, pain, misused power and
control. This intrusion may come in the
form of domestic violence.
II Corinthians 4:8-9 ~ We are afflicted in every way, but
not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9persecuted,
but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;
***I am a survivor by the grace of G-d ~ In Isaiah
43:18-20 ~ The Lord said forget the former things for I am about to do a new
thing... G-d created us as supreme beings therefore it is difficult to totally
erase things from ones memory. I believe the scripture is encouraging us not to
get caught up in the past, good or bad, but to use our experiences to propel us
forward which is why I stand before you to tell my story ~ don't get stuck on
the good and think more highly of oneself and don't get stuck on the bad and
neglect to see the good work G-d has begun in you and will complete! For
Philippians 1:6 states I am confident of this, that the one who began a good work among you will bring it to
completion by the day of Jesus Christ.
To the perpetrator, victimizer, abuser ~ David said in
psalm 51:10 create in me a clean heart and renew in me a right spirit*** ~
psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious
thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the
everlasting way.
I pray for the abuser who here right now ~ for, awareness
toward healing is for you too! Your power lies in the Almighty and not in
abusive, controlling, manipulative, degrading, and aggressive behavior.
Awareness is about learning to love yourself so that you can love others in a
non-abusive manner; making the necessary life changes to create a space for
this healing and love to manifest.
Which brings us to Romans 8:31-39 ~ 31 What
then are we to say about these things? If God is for us, who is against
us? 32 He who did not withhold his own Son, but
gave him up for all of us, will he not with him also give us everything
else? 33 Who will bring any charge against God’s
elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to
condemn? It is Christ Jesus, who died, yes, who was raised, who is at the right
hand of God, who indeed intercedes for us.[a] 35 Who will
separate us from the love of Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or
persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 As
it is written,
“For your sake we are being killed all day long;
we are accounted as sheep to be slaughtered.”
we are accounted as sheep to be slaughtered.”
37 No,
in all these things we are more than conquerors through G-d who loved us. 38 For
I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things
present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor
height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate
us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
No More ~ will we edge G-d out of our situation and
circumstances
No More ~ will we allow evil to infiltrate the plans G-d
has for me
No More ~ will we stand idly by and watch our babies be
slaughtered like sheep
No More ~ will we judge that which we don’t understand
No More ~ will we allow the church to remain silent on
issues such as domestic violence
No More ~ will we allow the degradation of our people
through hate, racism, sexism, phobia, and ignorance
No More ~ will we be of the world but will be transformed
by the renewing of our minds
No More ~ will we turn a blind eye to hate and violence
for it takes a village to combat these pandemics and epidemics plaguing us in
insurmountable numbers
No More ~ will we love others more than we love ourselves
No More ~ will we allow power of the world to kill and
destroy
No More senseless murders
No More self-hate
No More silence
No More judgment
No More abuse
No More domestic violence!
No More!
***
Your charge for today is the see yourself in the sacred
text. To see your story in the
scriptures. To see the liberating,
encouraging, empowering word of G-d in your life. To seek for you shall find the liberating
word of G-d for G-d’s word says where the spirit of the Lord is there is
liberty (not bondage.) A freedom only you and G-d can define and it will take
you and G-d to manifest this freedom.
Find your voice in the scripture. Find your peace in G-d’s word. Then look around and use the support systems
in the village to allow this peace, strength, and freedom to become a reality.
Prayerfully the church is and/or will be that safe space of support toward your
freedom.
(*** Additional moments that could not be captured in
writing)
DOMESTIC
VIOLENCE
To
learn how to help someone in an abusive relationship or to get help for
yourself, call The National
Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit domesticshelters.org, the
largest searchable directory of domestic violence service providers in the
United States.
For
teens and youth, call 1-866-331-9474 or text “loveis” to 22522 or live chat at www.loveisrespect.org.
NOMORE.ORG
Together
we can end domestic violence
Shorter
Community AME Church
Hotline:
720-663-0227
And
Still I Rise: Partnership Against Domestic Violence meets every 2nd
Monday ~ call the hotline for additional information.
Never hopeless... forever searching!
Rev. T
#afacetodomesticviolence
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