Moment of reflection:
After a celebratory experience on Palm Sunday, Jesus finds himself fulfilling the scriptures by facing hurt, pain, humiliation, degradation, and ultimate death for all to see.
For me, this was a time of deep reflection, gratitude, and prayer. Some of you knew of the recent challenges I was facing. Please allow me to bring everyone up to speed on has been going on in my/our world:
I had been ill since December 2018: fatigue, fevers, numerous hospital/doctor's visits, 5-day hospitalization in February due to a massive nose bleed, change in my treatment plan that included removing me off of the immunotherapy. Although the immunotherapy kept NED (No Evidence of Disease) and me together, it was adversely impacting other parts of my body including my liver, spleen, kidneys... It was like having the flu every day since December.
The decision to remove me from the clinical trial (immunotherapy) came after performing a PET scan. My immune system was in overdrive, my calcium was out of control, and my lymph nodes were hyperactive. Once I was removed off of the immunotherapy and performed the PET scan, a small mass was discovered under my left breast which was one of the places cancer previously appeared. They did a biopsy and it was cancerous.
We were absolutely SHOCKED! I have been on this healing journey for two and a half years. I had an aggressive recurrence in May of 2017. The immunotherapy was working since June of 2017 until it began to negatively impact the rest of my body. NED left me by showing up as a small mass the size of a pinky nail. It was smart enough to leave the confines of controlled cancer and show up as a "HER 2 Negative mass." This is how smart and aggressive cancer is. I am HER2+ and this little sucker shows up as HER2 Negative?!?!!?!?
I had surgery on April 26th to remove the tumor. I am grateful this was isolated and cancer had not spread anywhere else in my body. Once the tumor was removed I recovered for 4-weeks and then radiation for 6-weeks. There was a 4-week recovery because while the tumor will be removed, my implants will be replaced with tissue expanders for radiation and to remove the textured implants that are known to possibly cause a type of lymphoma (I was tested for this and it was negative ~ praise G-d).
On this Good Friday I was reflecting on the death of this tumor and any other cancer that may be hiding somewhere; hence the importance of radiation. This Good Friday was about reflecting on the death/loss/change in my health while celebrating and anticipating what's to come through new life, new outlooks on living my best life with cancer, and availing myself to the resurrection of people, places and things that give me life and life abundantly. Good Friday was a reminder that we will have trials and tribulations ~ we may be hard-pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:8).
Yes, I was shocked, disappointed, angry, and saddened by this recurrence ~ yet:
I was grateful it is the size of my pinky nail and will be addressed
I was ironically grateful for this surgery that I am all too familiar with
I felt strong and confident about what was to come
Tears were cleansing and a form of restoration
Lamenting was worship (thank you Mother Carolyn Habersham)
I was grateful for my tribe particularly my children who have had to endure some trying times
I was grateful for my village who continues to pray for me, check in on me, and love me through this!
Thank you for journeying with me! #cancercannot #lovemyvillage #lovemytribe
Just grateful,
Tawana
never hopeless ~ always searching
Saturday, June 29, 2019
Friday, April 19, 2019
Go Deeper!
G-d had work for her to do on the other side
All things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to G-d's purpose (Romans 8:28)
G-d didn't give you a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:17)
G-d needed him
G-d has work for you to do so you will be healed
Praise G-d for there are some out there worse off than you...
This is just a small caption of what some would deem comforting words; from losing a loved one or going through a challenging time such as cancer. These words, some scripture, are just words without context (Sitz im Leben), meaning, feeling, spirit, light, and love. Going deeper is more than saying words that are comforting to the one reciting them hoping to bring that same comfort to the receiver. Going deeper is asking the question(s): is this helpful? Where is the Most High in what I am about to say? How may I be encouraging through the spirit; beyond the situation or circumstance? May I be present and not say a word but journey with the beloved?
There are times when I find going deeper is a risk that triggers past (and current) hurts, disappointments, shame, guilt, unresolved anger, and lack of healing. Going deeper is opening self to risk to draw closer to G-d and to love with unconditional positive regard. Going deeper is building relationships that require some semblance of trust. WHOA! Trust? I'd rather quote my scripture and pray for the person than open up my heart at the risk of it being wounded (again).
Going deeper is moving beyond what you see and trusting G-d in the midst of the process. Going deeper is responding to situations and circumstance that call us to move through our feelings and situations toward healing, transformation, change, restoration, and liberation from what has kept us in bondage. Similar to the work of activism.
I have learned, embraced, and embodied the teachings of people like Audre Lorde, Angela Davis, Kimberly Crenshaw, Melva Sampson, Lisa Allen-Mclaurin, Patricia Collins, Maya Angelou, Emily Townes, Teresa Fry Brown, Regina Groff, Carolyn Habersham, Dawn Riley Duval, Carolyn Tyler Guidry, Carolyn McCrary...just to name a few activist scholars :). I have learned the imperative importance to center Black womxn through our writings, storytelling, preaching, and teaching. I have embraced the importance of self-care especially as a Black womxn in this beautiful dark-skinned Black body that is fighting breast cancer.
Going deeper for me on this journey meant going inward. I have been a doer/worker/giver since age 21. Prior to that, I didn't know any better. It was at age 16 that I learned my life had to change otherwise I would not make it very far in this life. It was at 16 I had my daughter and she changed my life. The next milestone of change was when I was 21 my mother was diagnosed with multiple myeloma at age 56. I became her caregiver. Still working but working differently as a giver - a caregiver of my mom, my daughter, and my younger brother and sister. Then, going deeper didn't even exist for me. I worked outward, never looking at my past or inward to heal the many hurts I had experienced. The opening words I used as examples meant very little to me. My mom was dying. One of the most caring, loving, sacrificial, giving, beautiful people on this planet was dying. No, my mother did not have the opportunity to live with multiple myeloma. We did not have the language for that and the scriptures did not resonate because context and stories and transparency did not follow the said "quotes." My mother died on March 28, 1993, at the age of 58. This did not make sense to me. So I had to learn to go deeper; relying on faith and learning of the G-d in me and not just the G-d of the universe out there somewhere.
Going deeper was seeing the beauty in death. I served as a resident chaplain at Children's Healthcare of Atlanta where I learned the beauty of death. So when my dad died suddenly, it came with tears, pain, and gratitude for the time we had together as well as the peace I experienced during this death. The day of this death my dad was able to spend time with all three of his girls: I was in Atlanta so I spoke with him on the phone that morning until it was time for him to pick up my sister and take her to John Jay College only to head back home to be with his wife to prepare for a wedding. I can only imagine the beauty of getting ready for the wedding for they were royalty. They dressed as such; regal, pristine, divine, magical, and beautiful. They never made it to the wedding. My dad had a massive stroke while getting dressed. I received a call from a dear friend telling me my dad was ill and I should come home asap. This was two days before my birthday on March 7, 2009. I was out getting a mani/pedis with Mother Carolyn. We rushed back to the dorm. My classmates packed a bag and I was on a direct flight within a couple hours. It was the longest flight to NY. My sisters met me at the airport. Please note, I still did not know of the severity of my dad's illness until I greeted my sisters and we got in the car. They told me daddy had a massive stroke and was on life support. We arrived at the hospital, I pulled myself together and entered the room where there was love, light, and peace all around him. I had to go deeper. I had to trust G-d. Through the hurt and tears, I had to look beyond what I was seeing and lean on G-d. March 10, the day after my birthday, the doctors told us we had a decision to make. We could take him off life support or we could leave him on indefinitely. The three of us, me, his wife and my sister immediately turned to G-d and asked G-d to take this out of our hands and for G-d's will to be done. That night my dad began to transition with his wife by his side. My sister and I joined them around 5am to say our earthly goodbyes. March 11th was the day I realized the beauty and healing of death for myself. Going deeper at times may not make earthly or human sense. As Jennifer Leath says, somethings we will not have answers to... somethings we will not figure out... but one thing we do know/should know is our hope and faith will carry us through bringing us a peace that surpasses understanding (yep, I am paraphrasing because chemo brain is real). In that moment and the days to come, with my mom and my dad, I learned to go deeper in many ways including celebrating the life I was blessed to witness and experience. I learned the ancestors are still speaking, watching, and guiding us from the ancestral heavenly place. Going deeper was/is seeing through the eyes of my soul.
Going deeper with a chronic disease is no easy task. I have been diagnosed with HER2+ Stage IV metastatic breast cancer. I will be in treatment indefinitely every three weeks. I am currently addressing a recurrence in my left breast and will undergo surgery on April 26th with radiation to follow. Cancer sucks (lament) ~ I am still here (Praise) ~ G-d is working it out through me, the doctors, the medicine, my praying and supportive tribe, and village (hope & trust). I don't ascribe to the theology of I should be grateful because someone else is worse off than me. I celebrate what G-d is doing for them for their journey is just different. I pray for and with them. I journey with them as they journey with me. I pray they have support. And if they don't try to find support like the Stomp Out Breast Cancer Foundation Inc. in Denver, CO. We share stories of successes and failures for it is in both we must learn to go deeper and see G-d in the midst of it all. I constantly center Black women and women of color who are either denied access to life-saving medication or do not have access at all. I am grateful I have both and would love to see others surviving and thriving or just living to die from cancer. I center Black women for society deems us invisible. I center Black women with the hopes of setting the example and giving language to other women in marginalized groups to encourage them to be the heretics (Tribes by Seth Godin) and go against the status quo unapologetically, unashamedly, boldly, mystically, and beautifully.
Whatever you may be going through; cancer, mental health challenges, houselessness, oppression, abuse, poverty, incarceration, unjust violence at the hands of law enforcement, loss of a child or a loved one, other diseases and ailments, I encourage you to go deeper. Spirituality differs from religion. You may not be at the religious phase yet. Spirituality offers one to go deeper; experiencing the G-d in you to connect with the G-d of the universe which in-turn connects one to a religion - religious behavior that reminds us daily of what we must do to move through our situation and circumstance trusting and believing me and G-d will get through this. Spiritual religion, cultural religion, familial religion (Tribes by Seth Godin - paraphrase) is rooted in self-love, self-care, and community. We are inextricably bound. I am because you are. I am in the process of healing and it is important to me that my community heal as well.
I invite you to go deeper.
Never hopeless ~ always searching
Tawana
All things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to G-d's purpose (Romans 8:28)
G-d didn't give you a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:17)
G-d needed him
G-d has work for you to do so you will be healed
Praise G-d for there are some out there worse off than you...
This is just a small caption of what some would deem comforting words; from losing a loved one or going through a challenging time such as cancer. These words, some scripture, are just words without context (Sitz im Leben), meaning, feeling, spirit, light, and love. Going deeper is more than saying words that are comforting to the one reciting them hoping to bring that same comfort to the receiver. Going deeper is asking the question(s): is this helpful? Where is the Most High in what I am about to say? How may I be encouraging through the spirit; beyond the situation or circumstance? May I be present and not say a word but journey with the beloved?
There are times when I find going deeper is a risk that triggers past (and current) hurts, disappointments, shame, guilt, unresolved anger, and lack of healing. Going deeper is opening self to risk to draw closer to G-d and to love with unconditional positive regard. Going deeper is building relationships that require some semblance of trust. WHOA! Trust? I'd rather quote my scripture and pray for the person than open up my heart at the risk of it being wounded (again).
Going deeper is moving beyond what you see and trusting G-d in the midst of the process. Going deeper is responding to situations and circumstance that call us to move through our feelings and situations toward healing, transformation, change, restoration, and liberation from what has kept us in bondage. Similar to the work of activism.
I have learned, embraced, and embodied the teachings of people like Audre Lorde, Angela Davis, Kimberly Crenshaw, Melva Sampson, Lisa Allen-Mclaurin, Patricia Collins, Maya Angelou, Emily Townes, Teresa Fry Brown, Regina Groff, Carolyn Habersham, Dawn Riley Duval, Carolyn Tyler Guidry, Carolyn McCrary...just to name a few activist scholars :). I have learned the imperative importance to center Black womxn through our writings, storytelling, preaching, and teaching. I have embraced the importance of self-care especially as a Black womxn in this beautiful dark-skinned Black body that is fighting breast cancer.
Going deeper for me on this journey meant going inward. I have been a doer/worker/giver since age 21. Prior to that, I didn't know any better. It was at age 16 that I learned my life had to change otherwise I would not make it very far in this life. It was at 16 I had my daughter and she changed my life. The next milestone of change was when I was 21 my mother was diagnosed with multiple myeloma at age 56. I became her caregiver. Still working but working differently as a giver - a caregiver of my mom, my daughter, and my younger brother and sister. Then, going deeper didn't even exist for me. I worked outward, never looking at my past or inward to heal the many hurts I had experienced. The opening words I used as examples meant very little to me. My mom was dying. One of the most caring, loving, sacrificial, giving, beautiful people on this planet was dying. No, my mother did not have the opportunity to live with multiple myeloma. We did not have the language for that and the scriptures did not resonate because context and stories and transparency did not follow the said "quotes." My mother died on March 28, 1993, at the age of 58. This did not make sense to me. So I had to learn to go deeper; relying on faith and learning of the G-d in me and not just the G-d of the universe out there somewhere.
Going deeper was seeing the beauty in death. I served as a resident chaplain at Children's Healthcare of Atlanta where I learned the beauty of death. So when my dad died suddenly, it came with tears, pain, and gratitude for the time we had together as well as the peace I experienced during this death. The day of this death my dad was able to spend time with all three of his girls: I was in Atlanta so I spoke with him on the phone that morning until it was time for him to pick up my sister and take her to John Jay College only to head back home to be with his wife to prepare for a wedding. I can only imagine the beauty of getting ready for the wedding for they were royalty. They dressed as such; regal, pristine, divine, magical, and beautiful. They never made it to the wedding. My dad had a massive stroke while getting dressed. I received a call from a dear friend telling me my dad was ill and I should come home asap. This was two days before my birthday on March 7, 2009. I was out getting a mani/pedis with Mother Carolyn. We rushed back to the dorm. My classmates packed a bag and I was on a direct flight within a couple hours. It was the longest flight to NY. My sisters met me at the airport. Please note, I still did not know of the severity of my dad's illness until I greeted my sisters and we got in the car. They told me daddy had a massive stroke and was on life support. We arrived at the hospital, I pulled myself together and entered the room where there was love, light, and peace all around him. I had to go deeper. I had to trust G-d. Through the hurt and tears, I had to look beyond what I was seeing and lean on G-d. March 10, the day after my birthday, the doctors told us we had a decision to make. We could take him off life support or we could leave him on indefinitely. The three of us, me, his wife and my sister immediately turned to G-d and asked G-d to take this out of our hands and for G-d's will to be done. That night my dad began to transition with his wife by his side. My sister and I joined them around 5am to say our earthly goodbyes. March 11th was the day I realized the beauty and healing of death for myself. Going deeper at times may not make earthly or human sense. As Jennifer Leath says, somethings we will not have answers to... somethings we will not figure out... but one thing we do know/should know is our hope and faith will carry us through bringing us a peace that surpasses understanding (yep, I am paraphrasing because chemo brain is real). In that moment and the days to come, with my mom and my dad, I learned to go deeper in many ways including celebrating the life I was blessed to witness and experience. I learned the ancestors are still speaking, watching, and guiding us from the ancestral heavenly place. Going deeper was/is seeing through the eyes of my soul.
Going deeper with a chronic disease is no easy task. I have been diagnosed with HER2+ Stage IV metastatic breast cancer. I will be in treatment indefinitely every three weeks. I am currently addressing a recurrence in my left breast and will undergo surgery on April 26th with radiation to follow. Cancer sucks (lament) ~ I am still here (Praise) ~ G-d is working it out through me, the doctors, the medicine, my praying and supportive tribe, and village (hope & trust). I don't ascribe to the theology of I should be grateful because someone else is worse off than me. I celebrate what G-d is doing for them for their journey is just different. I pray for and with them. I journey with them as they journey with me. I pray they have support. And if they don't try to find support like the Stomp Out Breast Cancer Foundation Inc. in Denver, CO. We share stories of successes and failures for it is in both we must learn to go deeper and see G-d in the midst of it all. I constantly center Black women and women of color who are either denied access to life-saving medication or do not have access at all. I am grateful I have both and would love to see others surviving and thriving or just living to die from cancer. I center Black women for society deems us invisible. I center Black women with the hopes of setting the example and giving language to other women in marginalized groups to encourage them to be the heretics (Tribes by Seth Godin) and go against the status quo unapologetically, unashamedly, boldly, mystically, and beautifully.
Whatever you may be going through; cancer, mental health challenges, houselessness, oppression, abuse, poverty, incarceration, unjust violence at the hands of law enforcement, loss of a child or a loved one, other diseases and ailments, I encourage you to go deeper. Spirituality differs from religion. You may not be at the religious phase yet. Spirituality offers one to go deeper; experiencing the G-d in you to connect with the G-d of the universe which in-turn connects one to a religion - religious behavior that reminds us daily of what we must do to move through our situation and circumstance trusting and believing me and G-d will get through this. Spiritual religion, cultural religion, familial religion (Tribes by Seth Godin - paraphrase) is rooted in self-love, self-care, and community. We are inextricably bound. I am because you are. I am in the process of healing and it is important to me that my community heal as well.
I invite you to go deeper.
Never hopeless ~ always searching
Tawana
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