Moment of reflection:
After a celebratory experience on Palm Sunday, Jesus finds himself fulfilling the scriptures by facing hurt, pain, humiliation, degradation, and ultimate death for all to see.
For me, this was a time of deep reflection, gratitude, and prayer. Some of you knew of the recent challenges I was facing. Please allow me to bring everyone up to speed on has been going on in my/our world:
I had been ill since December 2018: fatigue, fevers, numerous hospital/doctor's visits, 5-day hospitalization in February due to a massive nose bleed, change in my treatment plan that included removing me off of the immunotherapy. Although the immunotherapy kept NED (No Evidence of Disease) and me together, it was adversely impacting other parts of my body including my liver, spleen, kidneys... It was like having the flu every day since December.
The decision to remove me from the clinical trial (immunotherapy) came after performing a PET scan. My immune system was in overdrive, my calcium was out of control, and my lymph nodes were hyperactive. Once I was removed off of the immunotherapy and performed the PET scan, a small mass was discovered under my left breast which was one of the places cancer previously appeared. They did a biopsy and it was cancerous.
We were absolutely SHOCKED! I have been on this healing journey for two and a half years. I had an aggressive recurrence in May of 2017. The immunotherapy was working since June of 2017 until it began to negatively impact the rest of my body. NED left me by showing up as a small mass the size of a pinky nail. It was smart enough to leave the confines of controlled cancer and show up as a "HER 2 Negative mass." This is how smart and aggressive cancer is. I am HER2+ and this little sucker shows up as HER2 Negative?!?!!?!?
I had surgery on April 26th to remove the tumor. I am grateful this was isolated and cancer had not spread anywhere else in my body. Once the tumor was removed I recovered for 4-weeks and then radiation for 6-weeks. There was a 4-week recovery because while the tumor will be removed, my implants will be replaced with tissue expanders for radiation and to remove the textured implants that are known to possibly cause a type of lymphoma (I was tested for this and it was negative ~ praise G-d).
On this Good Friday I was reflecting on the death of this tumor and any other cancer that may be hiding somewhere; hence the importance of radiation. This Good Friday was about reflecting on the death/loss/change in my health while celebrating and anticipating what's to come through new life, new outlooks on living my best life with cancer, and availing myself to the resurrection of people, places and things that give me life and life abundantly. Good Friday was a reminder that we will have trials and tribulations ~ we may be hard-pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:8).
Yes, I was shocked, disappointed, angry, and saddened by this recurrence ~ yet:
I was grateful it is the size of my pinky nail and will be addressed
I was ironically grateful for this surgery that I am all too familiar with
I felt strong and confident about what was to come
Tears were cleansing and a form of restoration
Lamenting was worship (thank you Mother Carolyn Habersham)
I was grateful for my tribe particularly my children who have had to endure some trying times
I was grateful for my village who continues to pray for me, check in on me, and love me through this!
Thank you for journeying with me! #cancercannot #lovemyvillage #lovemytribe
Just grateful,
Tawana
never hopeless ~ always searching
